Uh huh. Life’s like this. Uh huh. Uh huh. That’s the way it is.

February 4th, 2003 | by Scott Jennings |

These four things I know are true: Joe Millionaire will pick Zora and she’ll walk when he tells her he’s broke; John Ross Bowie’s performance on A.U.S.A. was one of the most delightful things I’ve seen on television in a long time; I love getting fan mail from this pointless journal; and I really need to get a new job, because the one I have is terrible.

Not to harp on this whole “my job is terrible and it’s so beneath me and it’s driving me crazy and my coworkers are generally boobs and the company does everything backwards and I have to find a way out” thing, but I had the day off, so it was another job search day.

Despite my hyperintelligence and overflowing awesomeness, there just aren’t many jobs for which I’m especially qualified around here — plenty of jobs geared towards ex-military people and a few jobs for system and network administrators, but the software development project managers seem to be holding on to their spots rather tightly. My resume is solid, it has all the right keywords, it’s flawless. So naturally, I’ve been a little bit down on myself, and I’ve reached the point where I’m willing to try wacky stuff to stand apart from the crowd that I wasn’t willing to do before. So I’ve rewritten my cover letter.

Here is the old cover letter:

Are you looking for an intelligent, personable, and resourceful individual to join your (name of department I’m applying to) group? I have the technical skills, customer relationship experience, and enthusiasm to be a tremendous asset to (your company name here). I have recently relocated to the Hampton Roads area, and am available immediately.

Most recently, I was a Project Manager for (the company I used to work for) in New York City, a leading provider of electronic payment systems to the banking, lending, and utility industries. In this role, I concurrently managed over fifteen software development projects and provided technical support for (name of software), a proprietary payment processing solution programmed in ASP and powered by Microsoft SQL Server. Prior to that, I served as a Senior Systems Analyst, providing escalated technical support for the same suite of products. I was promoted twice in my time with the company in recognition of my outstanding technical ability and client relationship skills, and have extensive experience in a helpdesk and operations environment, as well as working on client sites to perform software installations and training.

Please find my resume attached below. If you wish to discuss my interest in this position, or any others you have which may be appropriate for me, I will be available at your convenience. I can be reached via e-mail at (my e-mail address) or via telephone at (my phone number). Many thanks for your consideration.

Best wishes,
Scott Jennings

If I may say, it’s a perfectly standard cover letter. It demonstrates mastery of the complete sentence, summarizes the sort of experience I have and the sort of work I’m looking for, and politely asks for a phone call or e-mail to schedule an interview. And since it was doing absolutely nothing for me, I’ve decided to throw it into the shitcan and try something just a little more bold and daring since I figure I have nothing to lose anyway.

This is the new cover letter:

We both know that in today’s economic climate, there is a glut of qualified candidates for a paucity of good jobs. By now, I’m sure you’ve received dozens, if not hundreds, of resumes from candidates with experiences similar to mine — bachelor’s degree in mathematics and economics, experience with large scale relational databases providing clients with customized reporting and software, demonstrated leadership and the aptitude for learning.

And now, you have the (dare I say) luxury to choose among the stack of resumes to call in for an interview and begin to ascertain the most important thing — who will be the right fit for (your company here)? Whose style and personality is most conducive to success at the company? Who will the other members of the (department I’m applying to) team enjoy working with?

I’m the kind of person who has fun no matter what I’m doing. I have a great sense of humor, I make people laugh, and people love talking with me. I’m the guy who wants to grab a beer after work, I’m counting down the days until Opening Day at Harbor Park (April 9th), and I’m a repository for random trivia. More importantly, I’m the kind of guy who people bring their most important projects to and feel confident that they’ll be done right and right away. I’m a sponge for details — if you need to know what your client’s project manager ordered for lunch at a meeting two months ago, you’ll come to me. And if you’re stressed out and need someone to cheer you up, you’ll come to me.

I’d be very excited to visit your office and learn more about (your company here) and let you learn more about me. I can be reached at (my phone number), or via e-mail at (my e-mail address). I hope to hear from you soon.

Best wishes,
Scott Jennings

Slightly better, I think, a better reflection of who I am, with the appropriate level of lying. And since I seem to have nothing to lose anyway, I think with each passing week my cover letters will get bolder and wackier until I end up at the logical conclusion, the cover letter I really want to write. It’s call heightening, which makes this ObImprovContent:

Today’s your lucky day, pal! I need a job, and you’re offering one. I haven’t put a whole lot of thought into sending my resume to you — you just happened to post an ad that mentioned some technical-sounding words that I know. And I know you’re not planning to put a whole lot of thought into my resume, assuming it passes through your keyword-hunter and ends up in front of you — you’re only posting the position to meet some corporate requirement, and you’re planning to fill the job with a friend of a friend of the boss’s son or something.

But assuming the unthinkable happens and you actually have to call people in for interviews, let me tell you, you could do a whole hell of a lot worse than me. I may not have fifteen years of experience with the archaic software package that your entire operation depends on, but I’ll learn it in ten minutes and teach it to your third grade daughter in five. Also, please pardon me for not spending thousands of dollars on Microsoft and Cisco and whatever other made-up certifications you’d like to see, but unlike the fools who waste their money on those initials for their resume, I actually know my shit. Fucking try me. You really want someone who can only learn in a classroom and only demonstrate his knowledge on a test? Knock yourself out. Just dig this: plug me into your operation, and I’ll be completely up to speed and more productive than the deadweight you’re stuck with inside of three days. If I’m not, then fire me. Nothing to lose, Chester.

As if that’s not enough, everyone loves me. Everyone. Men want to be me, women want to be with me. I carry around a pointy stick to cope with the latter. Even if you’re silly enough to not want to hire me, you’ll still keep my number to give me a call to hang out later. And I’m cool enough to be down for that. Whatever, man.

So how’s this: give me a call, I’ll throw on the nice clothes and come down and meet you. You’ll give me the tour, I’ll ask great questions that demonstrate my intuitive understanding of your business practice, I’ll meet the old man, and we’ll hammer out the details from there. Preferably over a couple of beers, because offices just drain me. Leave a message if I’m not in.

Best wishes,
Scott Jennings

And so you see: the most important part of any cover letter is clearly the closing. Let’s hope I never get to the point where I start messing around with the closing.

Sorry, comments for this entry are closed at this time.