jennings rampage

Fulfulling my contractual obligations.

Today’s journal entry isn’t as good as you think it’s going to be. It can’t be; from the moment you got the e-mail in your inbox notifying you that I had finally gotten around to updating my journal, your brain got right to work at building unrealistic expectations for what you were about to read. I’ve penned some real gems in my day (and I’ve been on a roll lately), so it’s only natural that you’d expect this entry to be on par with my prior brilliance.

But alas, life is full of disappointment. It can’t even be avoided. We choose to read the things we read and watch the things we watch and buy the things we buy based on our expectations, which can’t always be right. We have information at our disposal: our past experiences, recommendations from those we trust, advertisements, the voices in our heads, our instincts. And based on that information, we assign a dollar value to the product or service in question — if it’s being offered for less than than our valuation, it’s a bargain and we snatch it up; if it’s being offered for more, it’s a ripoff and we walk. If you value those low-rise boot cuts at $30, and Old Navy is willing to sell them to you for $22.50, then you’re going to put them in your cart and pocket the additional $7.50 you were willing to spend on trendy pants and put it towards dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. You’re a pretty happy consumer. But if we’re at an alternate universe Old Navy where the prices aren’t reasonable and the ads aren’t clever, you’d put those same pants down if they’re going for $35.

Of course, we don’t have perfect information available to us at all times. We can’t immediately recall every experience we’ve ever had, we can’t always trust Tom Shales, and despite the best efforts of the FCC, sometimes advertisements can steer us wrong. And when bad information makes its way into our analysis, our valuations become skewed, and we buy things we wish we hadn’t and don’t buy things that we should have. If you get those low-rise boot cuts home only to discover that everyone who’s anyone is wearing ultra low-rise boot cuts, the pants you have suddenly aren’t worth $30 to you — they’re barely worth the cheap fabric and shoddy Made In Belize stitching holding it together. Total bummer.

We economists have a catchy-sounding term for everything, and this situation is no exception. When someone buys something and then realizes it totally sucks and wishes they hadn’t bought it, they are experiencing — wait for it — “buyer’s remorse.” Unfortunately, this term has been entirely co-opted by the realtors of this country as a way of making you feel stupid for having cold feet right before you buy a house, but it applies to anything.

Realtors still do have to deal with clients who fear buyer’s remorse, so they offer very solid advice on how to avoid it. Since incorrect valuations usually result from incomplete information, they suggest that you do your research thoroughly. Interview your new neighbors, sort through public records, crouch down and check for the telltale signs of seepage. A well-informed homebuyer is a happy homebuyer — you can’t put a price on peace of mind, because it’s not for sale. Really makes you think.

But if you learn anything today, learn that buyer’s remorse is impossible to escape. You can’t anticipate every potential problem with a house, you can’t see into the future to know how a movie ends, you can’t control the fickle whims of those who dictate fashion. Sometimes you’re just going to be disappointed with what you bought. It’s a fact of life.

Even so, I regret buying the “Girls Gone Wild” pay per view. Simply terrible. I should have realized that the illusion of GGW is engineered in the editing studio, where thousands of hours of documentary footage are pared down to create a product featuring only the very wildest girls available. Putting twelve girls on stage and instructing them to “go wild” couldn’t possibly result in an event on par with the company’s well-produced documentary features. I should have realized that. Also, it was strongly suggested that my future wife Stacy Keibler would be “going wild” at this event (worth far more than the $19.95 purchase price on its own), and that simply did not happen. Blatant false advertising. I’ve been duped.

And I’m sorry I took you all this way just to complain about softcore pornography. I warned you this wasn’t very good.