jennings rampage

For no reason, untitled.

April 20th, 2003 | by Scott Jennings |

1. Girls who have pretty eyes should be at all times required to wear clothes that accentuate their eye color.

2. I travelled three hours on Friday to debut a two-man show with Ross White for five people in a shortform theater in Raleigh. I’ve done a lot of shows that no one saw, but that was the most fun. Ross is already on my short list of favorite people to play with, we share the same passion for the work and the same outlook for the art and the same ambivalance towards lesbians. Our show at next week’s last annual big improv festival is going to be fantastic.

3. These are two of my conflicting motivations — Motivation #7: never date a girl with daddy issues; Motivation #23: it sure would be neat to date a stripper. I went on one date with a stripper a few years ago — she went on and on about herself, she told me she had a kid, she gave me her number, I never called her. I’m such a prick.

4. I’m the only man other than my supervisor on my analyst team at work. I’m so going to be stuck doing all the work.

5. Girls who have live-in or serious boyfriends should be at all times required to wear a ring on their left ring finger. It doesn’t matter if the boyfriend gives one to you, just reappropriate another ring to that finger.

6. I feel like I’m driving like I’m inviting my first speeding ticket, just to get it under my belt. I get the speeding ticket, then I can stop driving like a maniac.

7. I’m falling in love with a go-go dancer at a local go-go bar. Those are the easiest pretend relationships: I stroll in once or twice a week, I talk to her, she laughs at every single thing I say, I compliment her, she thanks me, I drop a few dollars, she bends over and picks them up. I’m out in an hour.

8. It’s not that I need an expensive driving lesson — that little scratch on that contractor’s truck is going to set me back $714.64.

9. I’m getting ready to start thinking about maybe setting the wheels in motion to get in a position to be in a place where I’d consider trying my hand at stand-up. There’s no shortage of clubs around here, and this should be something that I should be able to do.

10. I have to give a presentation at 9:30am on Wednesday. That’s way early for me, I feel like I’d be well-served to warm up, but I don’t know where I could find a place to do crazy eights.

11. I make no effort to hide the fact that I’m crazy, however; I keep a Stacy Keibler bobblehead doll on my desk.

12. Girls who have pretty asses should be required at all times to either wear no underwear or some garment that prevents a panty line. There is nothing more tragic that a panty line on a pretty ass.

13. Here’s a free tip to all exotic dancers: if your customer asks how you’re doing, and you say you’re not feeling well, and your customer asks what’s wrong, don’t say “women problems” and arch your back and shove your crotch in your customer’s face. Have another malady, such as a headache or SARS or anything at all, ready to offer to your caring customer as an explanation.

14. I cheated today. Easter candy was too much to resist, so I went ahead and had Taco Bell and Dairy Queen to get it out of my system. I don’t even know why I mention it; it took five months for the utility I gain from cheating to exceed the utility I gain from not cheating. A controlled binge, an aberration. No biggie.

15. Is it creepy that I do a girlfriend bit with a sixteen year old girl in front of her mother, or is it creepy that I continue the bit for the benefit of her mother when the sixteen year old girl isn’t there, or is it creepy that I’d feel absolutely nothing wrong with hooking up with a sixteen year old girl?

16. I can’t be any fun to watch things with. Not only did I think Black Hawk Down was terrible, I could spend another two hours telling you exactly why it failed. (Basically, too much foreshadowing, not enough character development. By the end of the movie, you don’t care about any of the dead characters, and you can’t remember which was the one who wrote the death letter and which was the one who didn’t think he’d need to bring water. I was much more interested in seeing what happened to the general who masterminded that trainwreck, but he just gets a footnote before the credits. Bad bad storytelling.) See? That’s really annoying.

17. It’s not just my analyst team that’s mostly women; I went to lunch last week with eleven female coworkers, and that seems to be pretty much the ratio. How can this go wrong? There are many many ways.