jennings rampage

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If I’ve learned anything in my years on this planet, it’s that there’s no issue that can’t be solved by bringing awareness in the form of an advocacy group. This is my attempt to make the world a better place:

When did it become socially acceptable to carry absolutely no cash and to pay for every single transaction with a credit/debit card? Because I remember one day, not too long ago, when we exchanged little green pieces of paper for our goods and services, and didn’t have to swipe the card, enter the PIN, check the ID, wait for the little computer to dial up the National Bank of East Bumblefuck, find the pen, and sign the slip just for a fucking Junior Bacon Cheeseburger and Biggie fries. People do this! They actually believe they’re better off brandishing their Discover Platinum to pay for a Red Bull and a bag of nuts than just carrying a few dollars on their person. In their wallets. In the long slot where the money fits.

In response to this trend, I’ve founded an advocacy group called The International Society Of People Sick Of Assholes Who Won’t Carry Some Fucking Cash (TISOPSOAWWCSFC). (We might go back over the acronym.) We at TISOPSOAWWCSFC believe firmly that education is the best weapon against assholes who refuse to just carry a few fucking dollars, so we’ve developed the following guidelines to ease the transition back to an economy that uses paper money sometimes:

a) Those little stickers that claim credit cards are “Faster Than Cash” are LYING. Ignore them.
b) If your purchase is less than $10, c’mon, really, just use some fucking cash.
c) If your purchase is between $10 and $20, then if no one’s standing in line behind you, go ahead and whip out the plastic. Otherwise, c’mon, grow a set and use some fucking cash.
d) If your purchase is over $20, then fine, you might need to put it on the card. But have that fucker ready to go, hand your ID over with it so there’s no doubt, be sure there’s no problem with the card, and maybe even shoot a half-apologetic look back to the line. Acknowledge that you’re a doofus.
e) If you don’t happen to have $20 on you, go get some cash. If you’re not comfortable carrying $20 on you, stay home.

Just for the sake of “positive reenforcement,” we at the TISOPSOAWWCSFC feel it’s awesome to use credit/debit cards in the following situations: at restaurants where you pay the check with the waiter, to pay for gas at the pump, to purchase things over the Internet, and to make major purchases where your credit card’s “reward system” would make it worth your while. (To wit: your chicken nuggets just aren’t getting you the frequent flier miles you think they are.)

We also understand that perhaps you enjoy the convenience of shoving every goddamned purchase you make onto your AmEx and just paying one bill that line-items your tour of your home county’s various fast food and fuel establishments every month, but we at the TISOPSOAWWCSFC really don’t give a fuck about your personal accounting. Make your finances more convenient on your own time. When you’re on our time, go ahead and facilitate your moving out of the line already.

TISOPSOAWWCSFC is affilated with the North American Federation Of I Can’t Believe You’re Writing A Check For That (NAFOICBYWACFT) and the Global Coalition Against Waiting For You To Dig Up A Few Pennies To Get A Whole Dollar Back (GCAWFYTDUAFPTGAWDB). Fight the power.