jennings rampage

Screw you, Reege! I’m over you!

Why did no one tell me about Super Millionaire? Why?

I was obsessed with the original, I TiVoed and watched every episode of the ersatz Meredith Vieira version, I auditioned for the daytime version last summer (and didn’t make it), and this show was basically the centerpiece of my life my senior year of college. I’d call the contest line, answer the questions, and spend the three callback hours glued to desk in my office waiting for the call that never came. I called the school’s telecommunications office and had them check my line, so confused I was that I never got that call.

Of course, the odds were stacked against me, as millions of callers became tens of thousands of qualifiers, and my ping pong ball never shot out the shoot. That’s life. Being a hardcore fan of the show who passed the test and clearly would have been a congenial contestant, and still being rejected, that stung again. But that’s still life. And I made peace with that, and I let go of my hotseat fantasies, and I stopped thinking of witty things to say to Regis or Meredith, and I stopped picturing myself dancing around in the million dollar winner confetti like Kurt Angle. I moved on.

Maybe that’s why no one told me about Super Millionaire. I moved on, and I need to stay moved on. Sure, that bitch looks great now ($10,000,000!), but she burned me out emotionally. I’m just not capable of feeling the same way I did five years ago, and I’m fine with that. I’ll always have a little scar on my soul from those days, but there will be other game shows. And when my day to be on a game show comes, the time will be right, I’ll be ready, and the wait will be worth it. I was sure Millionaire would be mine, but I was wrong, and I can accept that.

I’m a patient man. And when I finally do lose my game show innocence, the moment will be perfect, the lighting will be tasteful and dramatic, the music will frame the mood perfectly, the host will be beautiful, and I’ll leave at the end of the night satisfied. I have no doubt, I will lose no faith.

I’ll even videotape it and let you watch.