jennings rampage

Shawn Michaels, did you ever find your smile?

I’ve been mired in my own improv crisis of faith over the past few weeks, which is why I was so very very uplifted by an outstanding Mister Diplomat rehearsal today. Porter has been attacking each of our problems on an individual basis, which was productive for me because I’m such an easy indictment: I’m emotionally and ironically detached and play nothing but high-status controlling assholes, for one thing.

It was a good rehearsal, perfectly timed, because I’ve been in a “well, hell, I’m never going to get out of this slump” kind of mood. Porter basically told me to do a good scene, put my emotions and my gut in the game, and boom, Ross and I played well-crafted, emotionally invested, practically perfect improv scene. For someone who’s in the position of teaching people how to improvise honestly and theatrically, it was nice to remind myself that I’m completely capable of that work myself.

Improvisation, done correctly, is an intensely personal experience, a baring of one’s soul on stage. When your soul is barricaded away for its own protection, your improvisation will feel mechanical, you won’t be capable of taking risks, and your performance won’t be fulfilling for anyone. That’s how I performed in New York in the summer of 2002, and that’s how I had been performing these past few months. I worked past it once, and now that — Earth to Scott, Earth to Scott — I’m not depressed any more, it’s time to work past it again. When I can teach by example, I’ll be happier and more fulfilled, and I’ll be a better teacher.

I can’t blame it on the ice cream shop, I can’t blame it on my teammates, I can’t blame it on how much sleep I got or how many people are pissed at me or secretly hate me and want me to fail (oh, they’re OUT THERE) — I can only blame it on myself and fucking fix it. Today, I felt like I finally took the first real step, and I finally took the step to bring this part of my life back in line with the rest of my life.