jennings rampage

Fuck you, President Douchebag.

I was all set to take a moment to share with you my thoughts on the current state of American Idol. You see, George Huff is really starting to grow on me, as ashamed as I am to admit it, I can’t stand another second of Diana DiGarmo, Fantasia Barrino is still my favorite, Jon Peter Lewis is miserably bad, and John Stevens wants desperately to lose and go home, which makes it all-the-more ironic that the top three is probably some combination of Fantasia, John, and JPL.

But I can’t share those thoughts with you, now can I? You see, President Douchebag decided that he needs to address the nation tonight at 8:30pm (wtf, douche, is 9pm past your bedtime or something?) and all the networks accordioned up for the Douchebag In Chief.

Well, strike up a rousing rendition of “Hail To The Douche,” ’cause I’m just going to go ahead and print an advance copy of the douche’s address to eliminate any need to ruin my Tuesday night date.

“My fellow Americans, I am such a douche; my douchery knows no bounds. This past week, fifty-eight Americans died in Iraq as a direct result of my doucheiness, and I’ve come before you to act all sad, and exploit the memory of these victims of my douchebaggery for my own political aggrandizement. It’s a total douche move, but that’s just my style.

On top of that, I made Condi Rice go to this douchey 9/11 commission deal and make a complete douche of herself. I hope this douche maneuver will mitigate the criticisms of my supreme douching in the months leading up to that horrible tragedy, which, I don’t mind reminding you, is totally linked to Iraq, ahem, douche douche.

I feel incredibly fortunate to live in a country populated by so many douches that will almost certainly reelect me as their leader, Royal King of the Douches. I’m sorry I preempted your singing picture show, but I wouldn’t be much of a douche if I didn’t strut around and let you know.

In conclusion, I’m just going to strut around like a rooster and say ‘doooouuuche’ instead of making rooster noises, and you douches are going to vote for me anyway.

God bless you douches, and God bless Douchevania.”

That fucking douche.