Archive for November, 2004

May your Mormon god bless you, Ken Jennings.

Tuesday, November 30th, 2004

Well, as was pre-ordained by the goddamned internets, Ken Jennings lost on Jeopardy! tonight attempting his 75th consecutive win. I won't feel bad for him; he won north of two and a half million dollars, and he's quite clearly the greatest game show contestant in history. But I'll miss him ...

How to deep-fry a turkey, motherfucker.

Sunday, November 28th, 2004

(Photos courtesy Mr. Drowatzky.) Step 1: Inject the bird with a marinade, and coat with dry rub seasoning. Step 2: Lower the bird into ridiculously large vat of boiling peanut oil: Step 3: Marvel at how that fucker cooks: Step 4: Wait at a safe distance: Step 5: Remain vigilant and safe and prepared to ...

Maybe I should stop to consider that not everyone feels the same way about Thanksgiving.

Friday, November 26th, 2004

The holiday was an across-the-board rousing success. Pictures will come soon, courtesy of Mr. Drowatzsky, but the deep-fried turkey was the best I've ever had. All the fixins were fantastic, good friends, got to see my brother, played some games, watched some movies, had a nice time. Dare I say ...

God, I hate U2.

Monday, November 22nd, 2004

My caffeine-withdrawl headache went away sometime on Saturday, but that doesn't mean I can stand by while my otherwise-intelligent friends from New York spend their day fellating U2, on the heels of their performance on SNL over the weekend and their current masturbation session on the back of a flatbed ...

Thanksgiving plans are not affected.

Tuesday, November 16th, 2004

This evening after work, I curled up on my couch and watched Super Size Me. After the film, I swore off the McDonald's a block away from my office, swore off caffeine for good measure, and went to my grocery store and bought celery and cauliflower and cucumbers. So if you ...

You got it, I’ll deep fry it.

Monday, November 15th, 2004

I am now the proud owner of this device: This is going to be the best Thanksgiving EVER! Fuck the pussies at Underwriters Laboratories! I also bought some firelogs and some fire-tending tools, rearranged my living room, and relaxed tonight with a movie in front of my wood stove. I had a ...

More than almost half the time!

Saturday, November 13th, 2004

Dear Richard Flynn of Groveland, FL, Next time you find yourself in a coin toss situation, feel free to give me a call. I'm very good at coin tosses. Best, Scott Jennings

Lucky for us, our President… oh, wait.

Wednesday, November 10th, 2004

Go right now and take twenty minutes and read this carefully. It is the most cogent explanation of global politics and terrorism available. These are things you need to understand as a citizen of the world, before you make decisions after the next terrorist attack.

Yet another open letter.

Monday, November 8th, 2004

Dear No-Improv-Group-In-Particular, If I wake up tomorrow and decide that I'd like to be a painter, I suppose I'd have two basic options. I could find a local school and enroll in an art class. I'd probably be introduced immediately to a bunch of people like me, who woke up and felt ...

Honestly? Mark me down for at least 80% of this.

Thursday, November 4th, 2004

I promised I'd indulge in a conspiracy theory or two, and Brian Desmet was kind enough to piece them all together for me. If you choose not to swallow the whole narrative, be sure of this much: the Electoral College is what makes this kind of jackbooted thuggery even possible. You ...