jennings rampage

Depressed ‘Before’ Shot

Inspired by any number of reality TV shows that I’d never admit to watching, I’ve set up a weight loss tournament with five of my closest overweight friends. The concept is simple: everyone puts down $100, we all weigh in, and on May 20th, the participant who has lost the largest proportion of their body weight wins $300, second place wins $200, third place wins their $100 back, and fourth place is you’re fired.

Since the Lord loves a working man and rewards aggressive action, instead of my usual diet strategy of doing nothing but changing what I eat, I’m making Actual Lifestyle Changes:

1. Wake up by 8am and cook breakfast. Jumpstart the metabolism. Most fat people skip breakfast, most thin people eat breakfast.
2. Eliminate all sodas, even diet. Diet soda is the new crack. Water for me, plenty of it.
3. Eliminate all processed foods. Be very careful of what I put in my body. Absolutely no fast food, chain restaurant food, white sugar, or white flour. Strive to be 100% organic in produce and antibiotic/hormone-free in meats.
4. Eat three or four smaller meals, instead of two gut-busters.
5. Increase physical activity, walk daily.
6. No food after 7pm.
7. Bed by midnight.

Sounds like a lot taken together, but aggressive action beats the shit out of a wishy-washy failure to commit. We didn’t get to the moon by shooting rocketships into space all willy-nilly, we got there by building a beautiful and aggressive soundstage and hiring actors and committing them all to secrecy.

I weighed 396.8 lbs at the weigh-in on Monday, which is just about as high as the yo-yo has ever gone. (Or low. I’m not sure if I ever understood that metaphor.) The good news is, this morning I weighed 388.0 lbs. Off to the races!

Also, I can’t rave enough about naturally-raised meat. Seriously, it’s delicious, it’s beefier, it’s chickenier, it’s worth every penny. Try it once, and you’ll believe.