jennings rampage

Almost as it happened.

Mexican breakfast, Italian breakfast, I’m going to order the fat guy breakfast. If the grape jelly is other cars, and we’re the strawberry jelly, and I start bleeding. He can sleep wherever he is - I’m going to give him a little thrill. Wake up to gay talk. Listen to me carefully: there will be no stopping in Maryland. $1.98 for regular. Stopping in Maryland, and apparently I’m just a bad stopper. I just really wanted Taco Bell. This is just something I gotta know: is it piss, or something completely different? Because it sure doesn’t smell like piss. When you turn her over, it smells worse! (That’s because of the waft.) The North Carolina plates give us away. Excellent time. Shirtless in the hotel bed - now look like you just made a huge mistake. I can’t fall between the bed and the wall because I’m too big. Is that what you’re wearing for the show? Yeah, but when are you going to change into what you’re wearing for the show? Don’t they have a minivan? We can fit six into that. Little Tony is neither. Just pretend it’s a movie. Jesster! This cheesesteak is terrible. This is an amaretto and soda. Let’s get out of here before the bartender punches me. Who’s going to marry me? Free PBR, crotch pictures, King Kong’s cock ring, a new method of birth control. This is not the time to tell me you fucked my wife. The layer right above scenework. Erin! MJC! I hate your button. You’re everything that’s wrong with professional sports in America. “Hello? I’m in Philadelphia. We covered this.” Can you chill my shot? $6 pitchers. I didn’t come all this way to drink with the people I always drink with. That hit me all at once. All at once. No, I won’t share. I’m sorry I missed your show, I was far too drunk. Very angry text. Very drunk text. Maddy and Alan and Jane! PYT, and dancing? In an awful Irish bar? I was about to drunk dial, and then I lost my train of thought, which is too bad, because it was going to be hilarious. Kelly Clarkson, and uncommon committment. No, I don’t need another pitcher. No, I don’t need– I know that’s a tall order for you. I don’t want to talk about it later, I want to bitch about it now. Chasing Lauren around the bar. May I? Hey, I asked. I’m going to be your bitchy girlfriend. For an extra credit, your song will play next. I hate his reasons why. Bad timing. My job as a man is to tell him once. Several! Several! Several! I am where I’m supposed to be. I really need some water. I’ve never been happier. Little Tony and an unmetered ride for pizza. This slice is a project. No, he yelled at me. The most sorry display I’ve ever witnessed. I’m a sleepfucker. 9:30 or you live here. I’m trying to get us out of here. 8800 something or other. Allen wrenches. Are we all standing around? Who’s ready for some football? That’s it, I want some character. Backwards Superman. Are you just now getting your food? I expected fresh jalapenos. I had to mix my Oreos in myself. Gotta call B-Mo to stop the bleeding - this is going to work. Dino found a portal. Cancelled via text - I would have been a shitty headliner. Stern on Sirius. Sybian ride. Shortcut to Carrboro. Finally home. I don’t see that happening.